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WARNING! Following is a high-energy, disorganised meander-rant, written to get these things out of my head. This is first-draft quality barely-edited brain-spew. If I've offended or appalled you, please ask me about it -- it's possible I didn't communicate well. Or maybe I'm genuinely appalling. I can live with that, but I'd rather people be annoyed at me for the right reasons.
Feminism
I read some stuff I'd written in college and marked as memories. Had to think about whether or not I still felt like I did here, because I don't like much of the tone of that post now. I've pretty much concluded that I still agree with the 'meat' of what I said, but I'm much more willing to claim the label feminist now, because damnit, it shouldn't be a dirty word. I believe in gender equality, period. I'm still not fond of overarching labels, but I have to aknowledge that our brains seem to be stuck on 'em. I will still distance myself from anyone claiming that one gender has mystical power or different spheres of excellence or any other separate-but-equal crap.
"if men demonstrate behavior x, they are assertive. If women demonstrate it, they're called bitches."
I'm curious about another perspective on this: is it possible that since many women have internalized the "be nice, don't fight/stand up for yourself" role, they don't know how to be assertive without being a bitch? It's possible that in many instances it's not just perception that is biased; it's a failing in how people were raised. I'm sure you've all met someone who honestly thought they were being 'assertive' when they were just being an asshole.
Thought: Clear, assertive (not domineering) communication is a learned behavior
I've had women at work scream at me; men who use every passive-aggressive trick in the book. Both genders seem to behave equally badly! This leads me to think that we ALL need more training in assertive communcation -- I certainly don't see it demonstrated often. Workplaces hire trainers to teach this, but let's start it earlier. I was taught methods of assertively dealing with conflict when I was a teenager (by my father). These are lessons I try to internalize and apply to this day, but it didn't come naturally -- communicating through conflict is hard. Let's not expect people to magically become good at it, male or female. We can teach ourselves to behave in a more productive way.
While we're at it, can we please clarify the meaning of 'confrontation'?* "An open conflict of opposing ideas or forces" works for me. I don't think it's a bad thing. I want people to be open in their conflict. It's way easier to deal with productively than sneaky-passive-aggression. What I don't want to be is nasty or disrespectful. I know people who are totally non-confrontational; it causes problems. So does spoiling for a fight.
Dealing with differences in a forthright manner is a good thing. Is there another word we can use for 'dealing with differences in an argumentative and bastardly manner'?
So, I'm an atheist.**
If we didn't have a predominantly religious society, I'd be an apatheist (there's probably not a God, but I don't really care, let's play in the garden/make music etc.). However, since there's such stigma attached to atheism, religious people who don't believe atheists are even human***, so many ways religion tries to get into government, it seems nessecary to stand out and be counted. Hardly a new problem. The ideal is that everyone is quietly accepted and no one has to yell, but getting there from here requires making noise. Many people who would probably rather their sex life stayed private have instead stepped up to be loudly Here and Queer. I don't know of any rights-type movements that didn't involve this, and yet everytime a new one comes along people act all surprised about it. "I just wish the atheists wouldn't be so loud." "I just wish the black people wouldn't whine." "I just wish the homosexuals would keep to themselves." Bull.
Just don't use the word 'just' like that
Newsflash: including the word 'just' before your desire does not actually make your request any simpler/easier/more rational. It does not make the project you want me to do take any less time. It does not make you sound like less of a bigot. 'Just' is not a magic word that makes problems go away. Let's leave the word 'just' in conversations about fairness, and remove it in all those other places.
*gasps for air*
Okay, I think I'm done for now. Hopefully my brain will stop being all spinny and I'll be able to panic about house projects and website issues again instead.
*Btw, dictionary.com? Your first two definitions used forms of the verb 'confront.' Definition FAIL.
**Except for my rock-steady belief in Clarence, of course.
***Don't believe me? Ask about how my conversation with Erik's mom went...
Feminism
I read some stuff I'd written in college and marked as memories. Had to think about whether or not I still felt like I did here, because I don't like much of the tone of that post now. I've pretty much concluded that I still agree with the 'meat' of what I said, but I'm much more willing to claim the label feminist now, because damnit, it shouldn't be a dirty word. I believe in gender equality, period. I'm still not fond of overarching labels, but I have to aknowledge that our brains seem to be stuck on 'em. I will still distance myself from anyone claiming that one gender has mystical power or different spheres of excellence or any other separate-but-equal crap.
"if men demonstrate behavior x, they are assertive. If women demonstrate it, they're called bitches."
I'm curious about another perspective on this: is it possible that since many women have internalized the "be nice, don't fight/stand up for yourself" role, they don't know how to be assertive without being a bitch? It's possible that in many instances it's not just perception that is biased; it's a failing in how people were raised. I'm sure you've all met someone who honestly thought they were being 'assertive' when they were just being an asshole.
Thought: Clear, assertive (not domineering) communication is a learned behavior
I've had women at work scream at me; men who use every passive-aggressive trick in the book. Both genders seem to behave equally badly! This leads me to think that we ALL need more training in assertive communcation -- I certainly don't see it demonstrated often. Workplaces hire trainers to teach this, but let's start it earlier. I was taught methods of assertively dealing with conflict when I was a teenager (by my father). These are lessons I try to internalize and apply to this day, but it didn't come naturally -- communicating through conflict is hard. Let's not expect people to magically become good at it, male or female. We can teach ourselves to behave in a more productive way.
While we're at it, can we please clarify the meaning of 'confrontation'?* "An open conflict of opposing ideas or forces" works for me. I don't think it's a bad thing. I want people to be open in their conflict. It's way easier to deal with productively than sneaky-passive-aggression. What I don't want to be is nasty or disrespectful. I know people who are totally non-confrontational; it causes problems. So does spoiling for a fight.
Dealing with differences in a forthright manner is a good thing. Is there another word we can use for 'dealing with differences in an argumentative and bastardly manner'?
So, I'm an atheist.**
If we didn't have a predominantly religious society, I'd be an apatheist (there's probably not a God, but I don't really care, let's play in the garden/make music etc.). However, since there's such stigma attached to atheism, religious people who don't believe atheists are even human***, so many ways religion tries to get into government, it seems nessecary to stand out and be counted. Hardly a new problem. The ideal is that everyone is quietly accepted and no one has to yell, but getting there from here requires making noise. Many people who would probably rather their sex life stayed private have instead stepped up to be loudly Here and Queer. I don't know of any rights-type movements that didn't involve this, and yet everytime a new one comes along people act all surprised about it. "I just wish the atheists wouldn't be so loud." "I just wish the black people wouldn't whine." "I just wish the homosexuals would keep to themselves." Bull.
Just don't use the word 'just' like that
Newsflash: including the word 'just' before your desire does not actually make your request any simpler/easier/more rational. It does not make the project you want me to do take any less time. It does not make you sound like less of a bigot. 'Just' is not a magic word that makes problems go away. Let's leave the word 'just' in conversations about fairness, and remove it in all those other places.
*gasps for air*
Okay, I think I'm done for now. Hopefully my brain will stop being all spinny and I'll be able to panic about house projects and website issues again instead.
*Btw, dictionary.com? Your first two definitions used forms of the verb 'confront.' Definition FAIL.
**Except for my rock-steady belief in Clarence, of course.
***Don't believe me? Ask about how my conversation with Erik's mom went...
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You asked...
Date: 2010-06-30 09:18 pm (UTC)From:As a christian who, while quite happy to discuss my position on theism if asked, doesn't believe in ramming my opinion down others throats, I'm intrigued...
So how did it go? (not well I suspect from tone of the comment)
If you don't want to answer, that's fine, BTW...
Re: You asked...
Date: 2010-07-01 04:21 am (UTC)From:Erik's mom (D) is a staunch catholic, but she's loosened up a lot and is able to accept people of other faiths and be quite open-minded. So, one morning while I was visiting, D started a discussion about spirituality. She'd knew I wasn't church-going, and she was being very non-judgemental and understanding of that, and different beliefs/spirituality in general. I thought it was awesome -- look, we CAN talk! Further transcript follows:
S: "We have lots of common experiences, even if the meaning we ascribe to them differs."
D: "Exactly!"
S: "So even though I'm an atheist..."
D: "No you're not."
S: *total surprise* "Excuse me?"
D: You're not an atheist. You're too caring and creative."
Apparently being open-minded about faith didn't extend to being open-minded about lack of faith. I didn't fit her baby-eater emotionless-robot mental image, so she flat out refused to believe me about what was in my own head.
In fact, she immediately tried to play weird semantic games to try and trick me into somehow admitting that I did believe ("Well, you must believe in God, because if you don't believe in god how do you know what you don't believe in?" or something like that). It was rather like someone explaining to you that you were wrong about your favorite color.
Unsettling, to say the least.
no subject
Date: 2010-06-30 09:23 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2010-07-01 04:24 am (UTC)From:I suppose it relates to my general distrust of over-simplification, too. "Oh, we'll just let the free market solve it!" "Oh, we'll just invade Iraq and topple the dictator!" It just (heheheh) never ends up well...