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Also titled: A continuation of the over-intellectualization of my current space in life brought on by over exposure to art history.
When I described myself as a student object, I was referencing my prof's quote:
"You are brilliant, but because I'm a stupid teacher object, I might not understand that. To me, you are a bad student object, so you get a C."
The idea here is that to each subject, the objects surrounding them are acting within their role. They can be good or bad according to their role, but they are always judged to that standard. You fit within your environment and situation, which other people give to you, and you are judged by it's rules.
In being a bad student object, I mean that my work is frequently too last minute compared to what I want (currently even behind), and I don't nicely fit the media/major guidelines. In being a bad student object, I nicely follow along, make myself follow along, the 'ideal' path of the student that is given me. Graduate highschool, middling to good grades. Attend University, fair to good grades. Apply for scholarships. Apply for jobs. Cram, work, sleep, but not enough. Play perky in class. Apply to grad school.
Get rejected.
Wait - BAD student object! No more 'student' label for you!
Like anything unplanned, this brings about some choices, and some opportunities. Primarily, a decision about whether to try to be subject or object. I suppose my last push to be my own subject was traveling to Europe, and it was successful, amazing, life changing - except that I came back feeling not much changed. Well, I tend to think you never think outside the box, the box just gets bigger, so even if I wasn't 'freed' I at least added some windows to my box. My travel, though, was neatly planned around school, and being, again, the student object.
Next year - and by that I mean end of this school year to beginning of the one after next, which shows you how used to the education system I am - I have a choice. I can go back home and become the object of one of my parents' sentences, looking at interim life while I wait to try to redeem myself as student object, or I can go back home, attempt to make myself the subject of my own sentence, and search for the best experiences I can have while keeping an open mind about the future and awareness of what I will eventually have to do to get where I want.
Assuming I know what I want.
See, that's the other bit - As an object, subjects direct where you're going. I'm frequently my own object AND subject, in that I've directed where I'm going, and occasionally forget to stop and question myself. I have a tendency, especially when denied something I thought I wanted (in this case grad school), to what my father accuratly termed 'Target Fixation.' For those not interested in aerospace, 'Target Fixation' would be a serious problem pilots occasionally have, frequently just before suffering a 'controlled impact with terrain.' Never be so fixated on your target that you forget to keep an eye out for where the ground is.
I've been wondering what I *really* want a lot lately. I have goals, lots of goals, but what do I want, what would I want, say, if the superego weren't involved? This applies to a lot of things - career, home, relationships, etc. Over the past week and a half the last category has seemed pretty worrying, but the first one's always in the back of my mind. What I decided just now is that I don't need to answer the question of 'what I want' definitivley at this moment. I have before, as a way to seek clarity, but hence, target fixation. What I've found is the resolution to be aware of the question and to continue trying new possibilities on for size. Example - if I can find a great job, I might hang onto it for two years, not one, before looking at grad school. If I find a foreign travel opportunity, I should consider it a chance, not a missed chance. I should attempt things that don't fit the plan, because the plan won't always work, and can almost always be pushed back into shape later, anyway. Without realising it I made the first start on this the day I received the first rejection letter, when I cold called 15 different design firms just so I'd be doing something proactive. Proactive? subject. Bingo.
There - anyone who made it through my second self-reflexive spurt of the day deserves a gold star and a hershey's double-dip milk & dark chocolate kiss (collectable if you get to my appartment before Friday).
Y'know, that felt good. I'm even feeling some other psychological-sociological philosophising coming on. Perhaps something on my trip to Europe, and learning about pleasure - all of it, and specifically taking it, and joy, where and when given. We'll see.
When I described myself as a student object, I was referencing my prof's quote:
"You are brilliant, but because I'm a stupid teacher object, I might not understand that. To me, you are a bad student object, so you get a C."
The idea here is that to each subject, the objects surrounding them are acting within their role. They can be good or bad according to their role, but they are always judged to that standard. You fit within your environment and situation, which other people give to you, and you are judged by it's rules.
In being a bad student object, I mean that my work is frequently too last minute compared to what I want (currently even behind), and I don't nicely fit the media/major guidelines. In being a bad student object, I nicely follow along, make myself follow along, the 'ideal' path of the student that is given me. Graduate highschool, middling to good grades. Attend University, fair to good grades. Apply for scholarships. Apply for jobs. Cram, work, sleep, but not enough. Play perky in class. Apply to grad school.
Get rejected.
Wait - BAD student object! No more 'student' label for you!
Like anything unplanned, this brings about some choices, and some opportunities. Primarily, a decision about whether to try to be subject or object. I suppose my last push to be my own subject was traveling to Europe, and it was successful, amazing, life changing - except that I came back feeling not much changed. Well, I tend to think you never think outside the box, the box just gets bigger, so even if I wasn't 'freed' I at least added some windows to my box. My travel, though, was neatly planned around school, and being, again, the student object.
Next year - and by that I mean end of this school year to beginning of the one after next, which shows you how used to the education system I am - I have a choice. I can go back home and become the object of one of my parents' sentences, looking at interim life while I wait to try to redeem myself as student object, or I can go back home, attempt to make myself the subject of my own sentence, and search for the best experiences I can have while keeping an open mind about the future and awareness of what I will eventually have to do to get where I want.
Assuming I know what I want.
See, that's the other bit - As an object, subjects direct where you're going. I'm frequently my own object AND subject, in that I've directed where I'm going, and occasionally forget to stop and question myself. I have a tendency, especially when denied something I thought I wanted (in this case grad school), to what my father accuratly termed 'Target Fixation.' For those not interested in aerospace, 'Target Fixation' would be a serious problem pilots occasionally have, frequently just before suffering a 'controlled impact with terrain.' Never be so fixated on your target that you forget to keep an eye out for where the ground is.
I've been wondering what I *really* want a lot lately. I have goals, lots of goals, but what do I want, what would I want, say, if the superego weren't involved? This applies to a lot of things - career, home, relationships, etc. Over the past week and a half the last category has seemed pretty worrying, but the first one's always in the back of my mind. What I decided just now is that I don't need to answer the question of 'what I want' definitivley at this moment. I have before, as a way to seek clarity, but hence, target fixation. What I've found is the resolution to be aware of the question and to continue trying new possibilities on for size. Example - if I can find a great job, I might hang onto it for two years, not one, before looking at grad school. If I find a foreign travel opportunity, I should consider it a chance, not a missed chance. I should attempt things that don't fit the plan, because the plan won't always work, and can almost always be pushed back into shape later, anyway. Without realising it I made the first start on this the day I received the first rejection letter, when I cold called 15 different design firms just so I'd be doing something proactive. Proactive? subject. Bingo.
There - anyone who made it through my second self-reflexive spurt of the day deserves a gold star and a hershey's double-dip milk & dark chocolate kiss (collectable if you get to my appartment before Friday).
Y'know, that felt good. I'm even feeling some other psychological-sociological philosophising coming on. Perhaps something on my trip to Europe, and learning about pleasure - all of it, and specifically taking it, and joy, where and when given. We'll see.
