How do you stop running?

[shadesofmauve]

I know, I know - it's my week for melodrama. It's like a pledge-drive on PBS -- it comes around once or twice a year, seems to last for ever, and there's too much talking.


Between medical issues and a review of my performance at cbd, I've been thinking about where I want to go and what I want to do with my life. I used to have a plan. I ALWAYS had a plan. Then something didn't work out for once, and *poof*, no plan. Now, I could go after the same plan (architecture grad school), and I certainly might. But with that kind of temporal and fiscal commitment, oughtn't you to know that it's what you want? We're talking 3+ years and tens of thousands of dollars. Also, I came out of Western feeling gipped. As if I was owed something for my time and money that I hadn't received, as if my skillset was far behind my peers and I wasn't quite sure where I'd stopped paying attention. If I go back to academia, I don't want that again. I want to have a direction, and passion, and fling myself at it.

I have a lot of things I want to accomplish, but I don't have a cohesive plan. I've been avoiding thinking about it for over a year and a half now, running away from decisions. I want my interests and abilities to improve, but which one do you elevate above hobby (at the expense of the others?).

I know I should leave Olympia. I know that if I end up (as I'm headed) with a comfortable job, a comfortable music community, and look back on years of living in the same comfortable town, I'll feel I missed something huge. I'll be unhappy. But I don't actually want to leave Olympia. I like knowing everyone in my town. I like having my family a ten minute drive away. I like my job, or at least one of them. I have friends here, even if (as is often pointed out) there aren't enough single, attractive ones in my age-area.

Chris pointed out a lot of very correct things at my review. I'd do better in a more social work environment (no shit). I'm in danger of becoming trapped by what I can do, instead of going after what I want to do. He'd like to offer more prof. development opportunities to us -- projects or training, but directed towards our goals and strengths. If I knew what those were, it'd be a wonderful opportunity.

Lists are good. ribbitkisser likes lists.

1) I should leave Olympia by 2011 (date of my 10 year HS reunion)
2) I don't want to persue web-design/coding (one of the tasks I do rarely at cbd)
3) I want to do more with Kristin's sort-of band (perform & record, which would require rehearsal)
4) I do want to improve my layout/design skills, if only so that I can feel that I accomplished something in the last few years, and that I have some kind of base-usefulness to be going on with. I don't want to feel that I've flitted from path to path with no accomplishment or growth.
5) Eventually, I want to have created something more lasting with my life than a bunch of cheap posters, or even decent branding projects. Books, comics, art, music-recordings, my own new disease, houses...something.


Last year, in december, I posted in my LJ that I'd found my purpose in life. I didn't write down what the hell it was!

Could it have been sustainable architecture for the poor? Possibly. Hmm...that's still not a bad idea.

I'm 21, I'm 24, pretty soon I'm 32
Punching in and zoning out, this ain't what i'd hoped to do
I'm 21, I'm 24, feeling like I'm 32
Laughter isn't easy
After the first time that you lose

Oh, and I have a cold.

Comments

[jaktek.livejournal.com]

I know I should leave Olympia. I know that if I end up (as I'm headed) with a comfortable job, a comfortable music community, and look back on years of living in the same comfortable town, I'll feel I missed something huge. I'll be unhappy. But I don't actually want to leave Olympia. I like knowing everyone in my town. I like having my family a ten minute drive away. I like my job, or at least one of them. I have friends here

I know exactly how you feel, minus the family part.