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Dictator's Manifesto
September 26th, 2007 08:12 pmAs dictator of Cascadia, I wish to let be known to the public certain policy changes, to wit:
HEALTHCARE.
All hospitals and clinics are immediately under direct government control. Practitioners will be paid a salary, rather than fees-per-service, that is commensurate with the years of education and high responsibility required by their position. There will be merit raises. All necessary, preventative, and correctional care will be paid for by the State. Cosmetic surgery and other procedures will be paid by citizens out-of-pocket, direct to the government. Your tits and ass will pay for Timmy's new kidneys. Thank you.
Birth control will be free and widely available at all bars, fast-food joints, malls, and gas stations.
TRANSPORT.
Experts from Europe and Japan will be arriving shortly to begin our new bullet-train lines. These lines will start by connecting Vancouver BC, Seattle, and Portland. The second phase will add stops and additional rail farther south and east to Spokane. The tremendous capital required for this project will be aquired by taxing the hell out of the obscenely wealthy. For 98% of you angered by this: YOU are NOT, and will NEVER be, obscenely wealthy. It is unlikely you even realize how many zeros make up one billion. To Mr. Gates, Mr. Allen, and their fellow billionaires: we appreciate the generosity you have already shown to those less fortunate, and thank you for your cooperation in our further efforts.
High Occupancy Vehicle lanes will be rigorously enforced. If you are caught in the carpool lane and have only one occupant in your vehicle, your car will be impounded for the space of two weeks, during which it will be painted pepto-pink. Your friendly ticketing officer will be happy to drop you at the nearest bus stop.
DEVELOPMENT
The government of Cascadia shall encourage, through tax breaks and special programs, high-density development in already established city centers. One-story retail is strongly discouraged. Anyone wishing to place a parking lot over land that was previously farmed shall be required to live on food made entirely of krill for the space of six months, so that they better understand the consequences of their actions. In instances where farmland, pasturage, or wilderness must be developed, small-lot size clusters which leave the maximum open space are encouraged.
CONTROLLED SUBSTANCES
The drinking age shall be lowered to 18. Go get 'em, tiger.
Marijuana shall be legalized and heavily taxed. The state doesn't give a rat's ass whether you want to sit on your couch all day, but we expect you to pay us for it.
It is illegal to give artificial hormones of any kind to any animal, period. Anyone caught doing this will be shot full of estrogen themselves, to see how they like it. This will be more than you get from the pill. Promise.
MAARRIAGE
Marriage is no longer recognized by the government. Any two individuals wishing to commit to caring for and assuming financial responsibility for each other are welcome to register their civil union at any post office. Anyone attached to the idea of marriage is more than welcome to have a ceremony at their place of worship, about which the State officially Does Not Give A Shit.
GOVERNMENT.
I am regional government. Representative advisory duties will be carried out by a panel chosen from each population area from an alphabetical list of known residents over the age of 16. This body shall change every two years. If your name comes up and you no longer live in the area, are in prison for violent or white-collar crime, or cannot be reached, the next name on the list will be called. Non-violent blue-collar criminals will be allowed to serve as representatives, provided they return to prison when they are not serving.
The persons thus chosen will be equally representative of the population at large as the current elected bodies, while taking none of the people's valuable time with tiresome ad campaigns, or requesting donations from hard-working families. No individual shall serve in this body more than once.
All citizens shall continue to be allowed to vote for their local city and/or county officials. We trust this shall prove a new and educational experience.
DISSENT.
Dissent is expected. Protesters will be met with non-violent control, unless they are either A) particularly unsavory in an olfactory sense, or B) looting, inciting violence, or protesting an issue radically different from their fellows.. Smelly protesters will be met with firehoses and organic, environmentally friendly detergent. Those in category B will be subjected to a mandatory, enforced, year-long civics class, with jail-time as their other offenses warrant.
Thank you.
HEALTHCARE.
All hospitals and clinics are immediately under direct government control. Practitioners will be paid a salary, rather than fees-per-service, that is commensurate with the years of education and high responsibility required by their position. There will be merit raises. All necessary, preventative, and correctional care will be paid for by the State. Cosmetic surgery and other procedures will be paid by citizens out-of-pocket, direct to the government. Your tits and ass will pay for Timmy's new kidneys. Thank you.
Birth control will be free and widely available at all bars, fast-food joints, malls, and gas stations.
TRANSPORT.
Experts from Europe and Japan will be arriving shortly to begin our new bullet-train lines. These lines will start by connecting Vancouver BC, Seattle, and Portland. The second phase will add stops and additional rail farther south and east to Spokane. The tremendous capital required for this project will be aquired by taxing the hell out of the obscenely wealthy. For 98% of you angered by this: YOU are NOT, and will NEVER be, obscenely wealthy. It is unlikely you even realize how many zeros make up one billion. To Mr. Gates, Mr. Allen, and their fellow billionaires: we appreciate the generosity you have already shown to those less fortunate, and thank you for your cooperation in our further efforts.
High Occupancy Vehicle lanes will be rigorously enforced. If you are caught in the carpool lane and have only one occupant in your vehicle, your car will be impounded for the space of two weeks, during which it will be painted pepto-pink. Your friendly ticketing officer will be happy to drop you at the nearest bus stop.
DEVELOPMENT
The government of Cascadia shall encourage, through tax breaks and special programs, high-density development in already established city centers. One-story retail is strongly discouraged. Anyone wishing to place a parking lot over land that was previously farmed shall be required to live on food made entirely of krill for the space of six months, so that they better understand the consequences of their actions. In instances where farmland, pasturage, or wilderness must be developed, small-lot size clusters which leave the maximum open space are encouraged.
CONTROLLED SUBSTANCES
The drinking age shall be lowered to 18. Go get 'em, tiger.
Marijuana shall be legalized and heavily taxed. The state doesn't give a rat's ass whether you want to sit on your couch all day, but we expect you to pay us for it.
It is illegal to give artificial hormones of any kind to any animal, period. Anyone caught doing this will be shot full of estrogen themselves, to see how they like it. This will be more than you get from the pill. Promise.
MAARRIAGE
Marriage is no longer recognized by the government. Any two individuals wishing to commit to caring for and assuming financial responsibility for each other are welcome to register their civil union at any post office. Anyone attached to the idea of marriage is more than welcome to have a ceremony at their place of worship, about which the State officially Does Not Give A Shit.
GOVERNMENT.
I am regional government. Representative advisory duties will be carried out by a panel chosen from each population area from an alphabetical list of known residents over the age of 16. This body shall change every two years. If your name comes up and you no longer live in the area, are in prison for violent or white-collar crime, or cannot be reached, the next name on the list will be called. Non-violent blue-collar criminals will be allowed to serve as representatives, provided they return to prison when they are not serving.
The persons thus chosen will be equally representative of the population at large as the current elected bodies, while taking none of the people's valuable time with tiresome ad campaigns, or requesting donations from hard-working families. No individual shall serve in this body more than once.
All citizens shall continue to be allowed to vote for their local city and/or county officials. We trust this shall prove a new and educational experience.
DISSENT.
Dissent is expected. Protesters will be met with non-violent control, unless they are either A) particularly unsavory in an olfactory sense, or B) looting, inciting violence, or protesting an issue radically different from their fellows.. Smelly protesters will be met with firehoses and organic, environmentally friendly detergent. Those in category B will be subjected to a mandatory, enforced, year-long civics class, with jail-time as their other offenses warrant.
Thank you.
